Recently, many cities have been experiencing severe water shortages. This is likely because of a severe lack of masturbation that has caused much water that people drink to no longer be circulated back into the atmosphere. You can help with this crisis by masturbating more. Think: when was the last time you masturbated? How much semen is, at this very moment, sloshing around inside your body when it could be quenching the thirst of dehydrated African children? That water inside you could be raining on Georgia right now. Masturbation stops droughts!

But in order to masturbate, you must first know how. Most people know how since before birth, but you are an exception. First you really need to get some privacy.However, if you have budget constraints, a locked bedroom, voting booth or a bath will suffice. Although not a must, it gets embarrassing if someone (like a parent) walks in on you. However, a friend/spouse/partner/neighbor/stranger/family pet is okay, as they will most likely do it with and to you, in that order.

Then remove all articles of clothing that are presently on your body. In order to masturbate, you need to touch your genitals. And while it's possible to masturbate while clothed, it is often rather sticky and embarrassing. I'd like to see you try. May I remind you, it helps a great deal to have genitals. Find a visual aid that will give you an erection. Wrap your hands around your 'head'. (NOTE: You should take precautions. Don't try this if you have dry skin. It may become a fire hazard. Over five million men have burst into flames as a result of this. Always remember to masturbate with a fire extinguisher within reach. For more information, call your local health department.) Using a lubricant, like Lard, Bacon grease, Peanut Butter, Crisco, Sandpaper, KY Jelly, Vaseline, a Banana peel, Shampoo, Midori, Saliva, Ink or the mutilated remains of a Smurf will ensure optimal performance.

It has often been said that lying on your masturbating arm for enough time, until you can not feel it any more, and then going for it makes it feel like somebody else is doing it (though this is at your peril... I still can't feel my fingers, and my nails are going a funny "black" color. Ah, well, it was worth it I suppose). Now, move said hand up and down in a vigorous manner, from base to head, increasing speed as time goes on. Make plenty of groaning and moaning noises.
However, try to go at it as much as possible, as delaying your orgasm causes it to feel much better and increases the amount of water that will be recirculated, though explaining why you missed a week's worth of work might run into awkwardness. Some people delay their orgasms for years,just look at Al Gore's smug face, although beware that jerkin' the gherkin for too long can case chafing and snapping of the banjo string, in case of snappage, you can acquire a 4 pack of banjo strings at any good musical instrument store.

Now you clean up, as quick as possible. While Double Quilted Kleenex tissues are recommended, an old T-shirt or a towel will do. Socks or hamsters are also acceptable. A tongue is okay if you can reach like Gene Simmons. Other means of clean up include vacuuming, water spraying, and Sally Struthers (although water spraying depletes water resources on a short term basis, the combination of water and semen is vital for the continuance of the water cycle, and thus totally fun and recommended). Quote

Recently, many cities have been experiencing severe water shortages. This is likely because of a severe lack of masturbation that has caused much water that people drink to no longer be circulated back into the atmosphere. You can help with this crisis by masturbating more. Think: when was the last time you masturbated? How much semen is, at this very moment, sloshing around inside your body when it could be quenching the thirst of dehydrated African children? That water inside you could be raining on Georgia right now. Masturbation stops droughts!
But in order to masturbate, you must first know how. Most people know how since before birth, but you are an exception. First you really need to get some privacy.However, if you have budget constraints, a locked bedroom, voting booth or a bath will suffice. Although not a must, it gets embarrassing if someone (like a parent) walks in on you. However, a friend/spouse/partner/neighbor/stranger/family pet is okay, as they will most likely do it with and to you, in that order.
Then remove all articles of clothing that are presently on your body. In order to masturbate, you need to touch your genitals. And while it's possible to masturbate while clothed, it is often rather sticky and embarrassing. I'd like to see you try. May I remind you, it helps a great deal to have genitals. Find a visual aid that will give you an erection. Wrap your hands around your 'head'. (NOTE: You should take precautions. Don't try this if you have dry skin. It may become a fire hazard. Over five million men have burst into flames as a result of this. Always remember to masturbate with a fire extinguisher within reach. For more information, call your local health department.) Using a lubricant, like Lard, Bacon grease, Peanut Butter, Crisco, Sandpaper, KY Jelly, Vaseline, a Banana peel, Shampoo, Midori, Saliva, Ink or the mutilated remains of a Smurf will ensure optimal performance.
It has often been said that lying on your masturbating arm for enough time, until you can not feel it any more, and then going for it makes it feel like somebody else is doing it (though this is at your peril... I still can't feel my fingers, and my nails are going a funny "black" color. Ah, well, it was worth it I suppose). Now, move said hand up and down in a vigorous manner, from base to head, increasing speed as time goes on. Make plenty of groaning and moaning noises.
However, try to go at it as much as possible, as delaying your orgasm causes it to feel much better and increases the amount of water that will be recirculated, though explaining why you missed a week's worth of work might run into awkwardness. Some people delay their orgasms for years,just look at Al Gore's smug face, although beware that jerkin' the gherkin for too long can case chafing and snapping of the banjo string, in case of snappage, you can acquire a 4 pack of banjo strings at any good musical instrument store.
Now you clean up, as quick as possible. While Double Quilted Kleenex tissues are recommended, an old T-shirt or a towel will do. Socks or hamsters are also acceptable. A tongue is okay if you can reach like Gene Simmons. Other means of clean up include vacuuming, water spraying, and Sally Struthers (although water spraying depletes water resources on a short term basis, the combination of water and semen is vital for the continuance of the water cycle, and thus totally fun and recommended).




you are too much!! ROFLMAO Quote

Hard not to laugh with this Miss Camy Angel


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Did you say in a voting booth?? Quote

The "Danger Wank"


A tactic often practiced by students and fans of Celine Dion. The "Danger Wank" is an attempt to have a full wank and get cleaned up in a situation where getting caught is very likely. The "Danger Wank" is most often a race against time but is also an exercise in stealth and Kleenex technique. Examples of this are:

In a lift between floors
Whilst your mum is making you a cup of tea in the kitchen
Whilst your wife/girlfriend is in the bathroom
At a Celine Dion concert
On a roller-coaster
Behind the pulpit during a sermon
In a confession booth
At a red light
During a conference
During an exam
While in the back seat of a car full of people
Whilst giving a speech to a large group of people
At a wedding (especially if you are the groom, bride, priest etc. etc.)
During a Christmas dinner
In between orders at McDonalds during your shift

A danger wank should not be undertaken by the weak hearted, pregnant, those on medication, asthmatics, anyone with a pacemaker and especially not those who do not possess a Kleenex multi pack.

The most extreme form of danger wanking involves crying out "MUM!" at the top of your voice whilst in bed, and whacking one out (or at least trying to) before she runs into the room. This has been known to end mother son relationships and in several cases involve social services. So please do not undertake a danger wank lightheartedly as the consequences could be severe. An alternative form of danger wanking involves lighting a large bomb and trying to masturbate completely before the bomb explodes and kills you. This is extremely dangerous--but the terror of the bomb leads to very thrilling orgasms.

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ok just one short one


what means PORNOGRAPHY?

"Police Officers Running Naked On Guard Rails And Prince Harry's Yard" Quote

ROFLMFAO

camy, i love you dearly but you gotta lay off the vodka Quote

Adds another 'Danger Wamk'

Public bathroom -- Just ask George Michael about this one Quote

So.... i loved this post... was laughing my ass off at it, when a friend asked wtf was so funny. i showed them this post... still rolling on the floor in laughter.


they loked at it. read it, looked at me blankly. and said."i dont get it? whats so funny?"

thus making it even more funny. ah the entertainment of the day. well done. Quote

So.... i loved this post... was laughing my ass off at it, when a friend asked wtf was so funny. i showed them this post... still rolling on the floor in laughter.
they loked at it. read it, looked at me blankly. and said."i dont get it? whats so funny?"
thus making it even more funny. ah the entertainment of the day. well done.


anytime you can baffle a friend, its a good day Quote

ok just one short one
what means PORNOGRAPHY?
"Police Officers Running Naked On Guard Rails And Prince Harry's Yard"


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BUMP
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