Have no fear, I'm a (un)professionally trained (questionable..) doctor (I didn't actually play one on tv but I know which end of the stethoscope goes in the bellybutton) who can treat (I have my own lollipops and tongue depressors) almost any illness (cooties and irritable irritability syndrome count, right?) under the sun (I mostly work nights) and in this case (what am I treating again?) I can most certainly (I have no confidence that I can but false confidence is better than none) cure whatever is ailing you (provided it's cooties). Simply fill out this form (really just sign anywhere, I'll be practicing your signature and hopefully the bank teller believes I'm a Brintney) and wait in the waiting room (ehh, the hallway will work too) until the doctor (ooh, that's me! I think..) can see you in his smaller waiting room (that's the bedroom, but I've unrolled paper towels on the bed for realistic doctor's office feel). I'd give you a paper dress to wear but I believe in a person's dignity (and in truth I couldn't find these anywhere and the last woman ran at me with a butter knife when I offered her the dress made of taped napkins with arm holes made from pressing my wet tongue through..) and I won't leave you waiting very long while I go check on your charts (go into the next room and try to remember if I bothered to make a peephole). Considering your symptoms I'd suggest (pull out of the blue really) that you restrict yourself to bed (preferably mine, make-believe Doctor's orders) and drink lots of fluids (orange juice, yeesh you guys have filthy minds!) and get plenty of rest. That being said (or typed, for all anyone knows I'm mute), no work for the next few days (we'll somehow survive) and come back for a follow-up in two weeks (when you're no longer contagious and I can do a proper full examination). Till then take two of these (yeah they're Skittles but it's all I could find between the couch cushions) and call me in the morning (or as soon as you leave, I'm desperately lonely).
You stay home and get well and forget about your troubles on Flirt for a week. Don't worry, we're horny guys, we're not going anywhere (we may write a long thread that we're about to go, but we check over the next month to see who's replied, and in anycase we still lurk!). But take care of yourself and no more late shifts in a wet t-shirt! Doctor's orders.
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