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I find this very hard to approach. No eulogy seems to fit. I wrote one yesterday and another the day before.. delete, deleeeete. Cursing at why this didn't come easier, cursing again that I'd thought it should. Too little, too much. Half a million words in the Oxford, earmarked on so many pages with favorites for their place and time, just rubbish. Fuck you despondent, melancholy, and bereft. What little you say. How empty you sound. A library of poets on pages known inside and out sit mum on bookshelves and won't help lend a line. Fuck them, too.
Teddy was a good mate, though by chance did I ever learn his name, he was always Teddy or G or my secret and always bromantic man-love, well that one less so. I don't suppose we would ever have met in another place, and it's with a sense of guilt that this place was our medium. That it's less, or should be, or isn't. I would've liked Teddy in person. Would've. If.. if not for.. why the hell do I find myself torn but for the conditionals? As though it's a caveat that I only knew him here. Room mates and college friends get wedding invitations and facebook requests, but here to banter back and forth with someone for years in a friendly forum and in a lively room our virtual pub somehow counts for less. Or so it seems so unfairly so. I'm absent at his loss and the right words for it, and why it matters so or why share it. Say too much and risk snark, too little and feel dishonest. Perhaps best left saying nothing at all. A bit more than guilty that I'd think of this while Teddy would have just said kind words. I think the term pro-model is a misnomer. He was just a pro-person fellow who smiled on his worst days, or just didn't share that he had them.
I'm just reciting what everyone else has said in better words and more to the point, to say he was a standout guy. Maybe I project too much, maybe he pushed an old lady out of the way for the last discount Waldbaum's generic brand jellied cranberry sauce the night before Thanksgiving. Maybe. But that someone so friendly and jovial can find a home here and make it that much more pleasant for all around him surely says something. The old woman must have had it coming.. our Teddy's reputation just jumped plus five.
What an admirable guy.
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