dudley_do_ride: The Gentle Thread - 1/18/13 - Female Performer Chat

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Female Performer Chat: The Gentle Thread

Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

1/28/13 @ 10:51am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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Sure Amanda, the site records the number of views, but it does not, of course, record the number of people who have actually read the posts. I click on the thread, and all threads in which I am not interested, simply to change the "unread" indication to "read"

ah well, so many searched and dug and disturbed the clutter in seeking the letter ... the reliance upon unreflective examination is the success of the technique ... behind the 'insanity' and the seeming seepage of mouthed moistures (lol @ those who cringe at 'moist') is what remains hinted at but concealed ... a sharpness and keen edged content behind the open obvious ... but then perhaps it is simply a playground for my paranoia.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/4/13 @ 10:37pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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* WHACK * went the yardstick, propelled by nunnish hams.

* WHACK WHACK WHACK * Something young and foolish flew through the window.

"No, no, gawd not the Embrocation aiiiiiiighghhhgghh garrrrrrgllllle gurrrrgggggle"

* SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRITCH glug glug glug *

"mwwwwwwwwjj fffwwwwwwwwiinnfgg nggggggggggh"

* WHACK WHACK WHACK * And an equally foolish something exited down the stairs hard, in position anterior.

Vengeance is mine... sayeth the nun and her ilk....

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Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

2/5/13 @ 3:23pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/6/13 @ 1:11am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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"Easy... Easy..." he thought to himself. "Gotta take it easy."

His eyes darted this way and that. He paced up the street. He paced back down the street. He turned all the way around. Three times. Once clockwise, once counter. Once kind of a combination in which he went part one way and back the other full.

"Nobody making a move... yet" he thought. He flexed his knees making sure they were ready to spring.

He cracked his knuckles. Cracked them again. Ready.

He looked at himself in the shop window. No thread outta place. He said a few words to nobody to make sure his voicebox hadn't stopped working "Hello Ms Franklin, I am here to pick up that order. My name is Aello. Ahayeelo. Abwbwbwbwbwbwaayeeelo" This last part he did with very serious face. Clearly thinking it would result in more fluent, rapidly understood speech.

No man was more ready. No man had mastered the scene better , was better prepared for the next act.

But when he was placed on the witness stand, for that crime he just happened to observe as he waited for the task he never got to perform to perfection, try as he might, straining from the effort, he could not remember whether the sky was blue or cloud covered.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/6/13 @ 11:52pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Gisela: She fucked up again...

Ursula: Who?

Gisela: Our "all powerful" cousin.

Ursula: *sigh* What now?

Gisela: Snow White lives.

Ursula: NOOOO!!!! Damn that preachy, prissy, control freak and her dwarf manipulating ways!

Gisela: Yep. Dumbo tried the fucking poison apple.

Ursula: Well I won't make that mistake!!!! (grabs her machete)

Gisela: Hold it! Hold it! Remember your New Year's resolution! And your doctor. He said to take it slow. Take it easy.

Ursula: ( with wicked grin ) Yeess..... Sloooowwww..... Gently.....

And laughing maniacally she sat down that afternoon in front of her millstone and ground and ground and ground that machete till it gleamed. No rough edge to catch on powderpuff's frills. No chance of glancing off a bone and causing a tear in her old ligaments. Happy New Year Princess!!!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/7/13 @ 1:43am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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All: Hi hoooooooooo. Hi hoooooooooooooooo. Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho....... hi ho hi ho
we're off to do in Snow

(fweee fwee fweee fwooooo fwoooo fweeeee fweee fweeee fweeeee fweee fwooo fwoooo fwee fwee fweee fweeeee)

Hi ho. Hi ho hi ho hi hooooooooooooo.

Doc: Gonna stab stab stab stab stab stab all the live long day. That bitch did make us all half mad with all the things she'd say.

Happy: She made me manic it is true.

Grumpy: But I'm still not clean how 'bout you.

All: No way!

Dopey: It doesn't take much thought to see she had it in for me.

Sneezy: She almost had me half believing that grime deosn't pay.

All: And while we'd work, she'd sneak upstairs, and rub her cootch with brush horsehair. No fair!

Queasy: Our stomaches have hanged in balance for all these many years. She nearly kilt us when she sent our symbiotic friends downstairs. ( dead I mean)

All: So we'll stab stab stab stab and stab stab stab until the work is done. The next time she takes a bath a fountain she'll become.

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Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

2/7/13 @ 3:08pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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there is that gentle step ... that creak upon the stair second from the top ... there is the change of air flows that touch subtle on the pale shoulder and smooth left cheek ... there is the slowed soft swirl of water from movement in the tub ... there are the tiny *drip drop* noises that echo in the fogged warm tiny room ... there is the .40 Glock that shines in the light ... there is the quiet soft light sound of her voice "Never bring a knife to a gun fight you gnarled gnomes ..."

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/7/13 @ 11:21pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/8/13 @ 8:57pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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All right boys and girls, we've had our fun with the blood, the horror, the guts...

Now it's time to put down that mace, that machete, and to tell that special someone, those dear ones just how you feel. Gently now. Let 'em know they matter, that life just wouldn't be the same without 'em. Stroke them softly where they most enjoy and breathe a few moments easy peace into them.

It ain't easy being human in this workaday universe. Help them carry their loads for a while. Bandage up those bruised knuckles. Bring out that sunshiny smile from behind the clouds. Kiss their booboos. Make smiles erase frowns.

Your heart should warm like a pleasant smelling coffee pot in a well stocked kitchen on a lazy weekend morn. Reach out and embrace all that warm embraceable side of the world.

Remember: on your death bed you will wish you were more good, not more rich, nor more powerful...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/10/13 @ 3:19am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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The darkness... it became... conscious...

At about 1:13 a.m. Saturday night.

It had passed out at around 11 p.m. after guzzeling its 8th martini.

But it had nothing illuminating to add to the puzzle. It merely croaked out in a raspy voice: "Where is dawn with my tomato juice. My head. By everything sacred, my head!!!"

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/10/13 @ 7:11pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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(strum strummie strum strummmie strum strummie)

Oh Padme yo Padmayyay There's something I gotta saaaaaayay

You did all right girl... But here's a takeawayyyyyyaaaaayaaaay

You checked out right when things was geeeettting gooood....

It is so clear it's because you had sithies under the hooooooooood....

Two sithiiiiiies.... Fine lords..... Just waiting to be born...

But you... damn you... believed that Jedi corn... you believed that Jedi cooooooorrrruh uh nnnnn

(strum strum strummmie strummie strum)

You coulda been a fine dark master....

Tricked out in darkest leeeeeeaaaather...

Raised those two to ruuuuuuuule...

But damn it you were such a fooooool...

Annnay wouldda loved a bundle from the Dark siiiiiiide

To have seen ya in tight black raaaaaawhiiiiiide....

Was it such an evil thiiiiiiiiiing?

To have a three-way with a Sith kin o iiiiii o ying yeah....

(strum strummmie strummmie strum strummmie)

Now I don't necessarily believe in reeeeeincarnation...

But if you get another chance for sith gestation....

You know what you should doooooooo...

It's what I've been telling youoooooo oooo oooooooooo

(strummmie strum strum strummmie strum strum strum )

Make those dark dreams come true....

Release the siths in you....

Oh Padme... That's right Padme..... Do it do it Paaaaadaaaaamayhaaaaaaaaa

(strum strummie strum strum strummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiieeeeee)

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/11/13 @ 9:54am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Bwaaaaa haaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa!!!!! It's Monday and you've been screwing around all weekend instead of preparing for the big week ahead.

Go ahead, throw yourself on your boss's mercy... I'm sure he'll go gently on you... ahhhhhh ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Explain to him that you were busy giving consolation, spiritual consolation to a bunch of scantily clad models.... Maybe he'll make you corporate priest... hoooooooooooo haaa haaaaa haaaaaaaa

Don't worry you are young still right? I'm sure that by the time you are old you will have licked all your vices. Life is so gentle on the old. As it is to all things bright and beautiful. waaaaaaaa hoooooooo hooooooo haaaaaaaaaaa

Run away... The clock is ticking! The sound you hear is the jackals on your heels.

*sniff* wheewwwwwwwwwwwwwww that was a good 'un.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/12/13 @ 12:33am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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It was only then, as I had reached the supreme heights of understanding of all life great and small, that I came upon the odd case of Lady Gaga....

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/13/13 @ 12:41am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Yep you can wear yourself out by being very gentle. Those legs gone for a while forcing you to rest...

You can lose your voice, go so hoarse, from speaking gently.

But one thing you can never do.... you can never freeze your heart this way...

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Created by: amanda_fucking_palmer

2/13/13 @ 2:23am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793

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It was only then, as I had reached the supreme heights of understanding of all life great and small, that I came upon the odd case of Lady Gaga....

BAHAHAHAHAAAAA *cough* ahhhhuuuhahguuuhahaaauuu! (tm pending theGirl)

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/13/13 @ 2:55am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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BAHAHAHAHAAAAA *cough* ahhhhuuuhahguuuhahaaauuu! (tm pending theGirl)

The Gagoracle sayeth: She who laughs at mountie's greatness spends afterlife playing all water level 2-D video games.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/13/13 @ 11:34pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Film crews everywhere on the Gaga estate... Helicopters buzz overhead... Today is the day. The unheard of, much anticipated interview of Gaga by The Mountie...

Mountie: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for letting us into your homes. My guest tonight needs no introduction of course... American icon, philanthropist, artist extraordanaire, fashion maverick, visionary... known as Mother Monster to her countless fans, but I'll call her simply: Gaga.

Gaga; Welcome yourself Ride. I know how valuable your time is these days especially given the crisis in New Guinea. We always have to ask, when you are here, how's Buckaroo? What's the Threat Board look like today?

Mountie: All is going quite well, dear, rest easy on that score. Buckaroo is busy on a new research project at the Institute. He's on to something big. Don't know when we'll be hearing about it though.

Gaga: And Mike? I mean I am glad to be interviewed by you and all, but, well... your luck in interviews is not the greatest and I am already kind of recovering from something here and...

Mountie: Gaga, relax. (he made some quick movements in front of her lovely eyes with his strong yet artistic hands and they glazed just a bit) Mike is tough. He'll pull through. I am beginning to think he's somehow immortal, but that's another subject for another day. We are here to highlight you. All things Gaga.

Gaga: What is there to say that hasn't already been said? Do you realize how many people have interviewed me? And I am tired of this new situation already and people talking about it. I wouldn't even have agreed to the interview except that I know it is very unusual, very strange for someone to be interviewed by you. Even with Mike sidelined. The audience should know this! People, this guy didn't talk with me before this. I don't have any idea what he is gonna ask me. How's that for a gamble?

Mountie: You are not going to believe what I want to talk to you about. (with a big grin) You really have no announcements first?

Gaga: No! Now out with it. What is it?

And he told her.............

* to be continued *

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/15/13 @ 12:34am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Mountie: My dear... we have chosen such a great day for this talk. Valentine's day, eh?

Gaga: Oooooooh Ride are you coming on to me? 'Cause if you are baby...

Mountie: mmmmmmmmmmmm this could go so easily far astray.... but no sexy, let us converse for a little while...

Gaga: Anything you ask I shall answer...

Mountie: I want us to go abstract. Let us leave completely the material.

Gaga: But I'm a material girl ha ha ha just kidding, go ahead.

Mountie: No costumes. No posing. I want your analysis of something. Your perspective...

Gaga: (laughing) What?

Mountie: You are smart, discerning, I want to hear the history of music from you. Or at least part of it.

Gaga: (smiling now) Which part of it?

Mountie: Which bit is most exciting for you to speak of or if I may suggest, of opera...

****

Now even though cameras recorded the event and we have it for all posterity, what followed is very difficult to capture just right in words. How can we convey the way Gaga leapt at the opportunity presented by the mountie to fill the air with her happily chirruping voice that led us all on a wonderful, insightful, totally unique if perhaps challengingly technical , crammed with loving details, account of music, of dance, of opera, all these intertwined. Her quick run through of giants, geniuses - complete with stand up imitations. Even hobbled a little Gaga of course was a natural entertainer but who knew what a teacher she could be?

As she made her tapestry in air. Ride smiled warmly and threw in a word here and there of encouragement until they got to Mozart. At which point a major battle erupted over some minor detail and after a passionate presentation of their cases and firm resolve never to abandon them the scene reverted to the Gagaian Deluge of Great Wonder and Insight.

When it was done, the beaming Ride had another gem to elevate himself above Wallace a bit , and Gaga was noticably happier, healthier, and with some kind of new light in her passionate eyes. It is a rare thing to get a turning point for Art captured, frozen in time, and many have remarked that this was almost as astounding as the great leap forward itself...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/16/13 @ 2:45pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Ah, so glad to see you here. I was very worried you know. You have done the right thing in coming to me. So many tangible signs of an impending incident, off the charts symptoms you know.

Sit down. Or rather lie down here on this sofa. I need to determine your precise mental state in order to procede...

Would you like a warm drink? I will not give you any caffeine for you are clearly worked up. Maybe a toddy? A neck pillow? Enough? Good? All right, let's start then.

Now I am going to try something that I should have tried years ago. It is so obvious you see. Sound. People cannot hide their reactions to sound. We can quickly deduce so much by a little audio stimulation.

First let's start with a little Hayden symphony. Very relaxing yes? Let's see if we can get you to ease up a bit. Get those knuckles a little less white. Take off your shoes. Good. Spread your toes. Here's a little mud to squish them around in. Feels good eh? I'm going to leave the room for a little while. I'll be back soon. Just enjoy the ambiance.

Hello? Wakey wakey. You dozed off there. That's all right. It allowed me to go through your pockets and make sure that you brought enough cash to pay for the session. We don't want a repeat of last time ha ha right? Isn't it great that you have found a consultant you trust to go through your pockets while you sleep? See how you are becoming a more adjusted, relaxed individual already?

Now I am going to switch sounds. Whoooa easy easy. Put down the lamp. These are just whale sounds. My you ARE wound up aren't you. Just some harmless aquatic creatures who just float, and float, and float, feeding and having sex, making their songs. Would you like to float? Would you like to have sex? No? Well the important thing is that you are clearly more relaxed and adjusted now. Just some harmless whales, your spiritual brothers.

OK I am going to adjust the sound again. Easy... easy... no need to bite those nails. Remain on the sofa. Good. Do we need restraints? You are okay now? This is the sound of a fire burning in a fireplace. Do you recognize it now? It is not your hourse burning, or your village, it is just a harmless warming fire. Good for marshmellows. You can spread a rug in front of it and have some amazing sex. Do you want to have some amazing sex? No? Okay let's continue then...

************** tape 1 ************************

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

2/18/13 @ 9:53pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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I know what you want. You've told me. You've spelt it out in 100 foot letters on the mountaintop. I can see it from space. I get it, I get it.

Fortunately though, I care. I am working for your good. So I've worked really hard. Sold all kinds of cool games and electronic gear for what's in this pot here. And I can say there ain't nothin' quite like it in the universe.

mmmmmmm catch a whiff of it. Hearty... substantial... Know what it is? Character, son, just character.

Remember how your dad dragged you out at 5am in that canoe on the lake? It was raining. There were ice bergs floating in there. You had to catch your lunch with a line and bent nail or go hungry. Of course you do. Your dad did this for you to build character. How could you ever forget it?

Well I've got it all in this pot you see. Save you that canoe trip. Can't tell you how many k1ds were lost in those lakes over the centuries, terrible, terrible to think of. All you gots to do is take this ladle I am giving and sip. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

You'll get hair on that scrawny chest. Muscle on those creaky bones. But more than this, you'll have more character. And that's what you need to see you through the toughest times.

Salt? Are you kidding me? You don't want to dilute this pot my boy. Don't even think it. pfft. No tabasky sauce neither. Think this is El Paso? It taint. First you gotta dunk a fintger in. Good. Stings a bit don't it? Well it's a killin' all those horrible germs and pests that your filthy life style has picked up.

Ha ha felt something nibbling on your finger didn't ya? Don't worry it will be dead soon. It isn't as tough as us. And the broth will dilute the bones in its teeth. Damn thing gets fossilized in every other chemical combination but not this baby... removed from the fossil record ha ha ha!

Now I want you to down it all in one gulp. Then we'll wear hats. Are ya readay... 1.... 2..... 3......

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