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Female Performer Chat: Poetry (original.or.attributed)

Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/25/11 @ 9:08pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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The Three Musketeers vs The Sith Lord

Porthos: Let me at him first! oop aaah eeep ah haaaaaaaaa. (BRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZPH) Aigggh! (dies)

Aramis: Bless us father for we have... SINNED! whoooo... haaaaaaaa... thrust... parry. (BRAAAAAAAAAZZZZZPH) Oh no! (dies)

Athos: Sit down and drink with me. That was some fine fighting.

Sith Lord: Don't mind if I do.

(they drink a little)

Athos: It wasn't always this way for me you know.

Sith Lord: No?

Athos: No I used to be married. Back when I was the Comte.

Sith Lord: Was she nice?

Athos: She was... a vicious, life draining beast.

Sith Lord: Wait... was she a blonde?

Athos: Yes but how...

Sith Lord: (opens his wallet) This her?

Athos: By all things in the cosmos... I thought she was dead.

Sith Lord: We should be so lucky.

Athos: No not you...

Sith Lord: How do you think I got to be a sith?

Athos: Oh man...

Sith Lord: How'd you get out from under her?

Athos: I unwrapped her shoulder one night and saw the fleur d' ...

Sith Lord: What?!

Athos: What can I say? She was a little more easily embarassed back then.

Sith Lord: (rolling eyes) Yeeeeaaaaaah.

Athos: So why don't you ever take your powers to her?

Sith Lord: She'd eat me for breakfast.

Athos: I see.

Sith Lord: Don't suppose you'd help me?

Athos: Well, you just killed my friends.

Sith Lord: Oh yeah. My god I feel so alone!

Athos: What about your apprentice?

Sith Lord: That suckup? He's the worst. (starts to sob)

Athos: Tell you what, I'll take a rain check on our duel. Porthos was having an affair with this lawyer's wife down in the city. All things considered I'm sure he'd be happy to take your case.

Sith Lord: A lawyer? One pitiful lawyer? Against that?

Athos: It's a start. Of all creatures on earth I fear lawyers the most. He'll put together a dream team. He'll love the challenge.

Sith Lord: Yeah OK. You're the best.

Athos: Heeeeeey, there's a smile. Now go out there and realize your dreams.

Quote

Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/26/11 @ 1:39am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Apprentice: (spilling his drink a little) Wooooooohoooo! This was a great idea!

Sith Lord: Yesh. (hic) I felt we needed a night out. Tell the Rule of 2 to fuck off!

Apprentice: Show boobs!

Sith Lord: Hand bra!

Apprentice: Fuck off?

Sith Lord: Yeah we'll have more than two. Heeeh heeeeh haaawwwww.

Apprentice: Watch this. (concentrates) Haaaaaa haaaaaa she has no idea where it went.

Sith Lord: Oooooooh nice. Watch this (concentrates) Haaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa.

Apprentice: Bet her toy has never dooooooone that before.

Sith Lord: shhhhhh shhhhhhh! She's going into a private.

Apprentice: Ooooh yeah! Looks a little tame. Maybe we should... liven it up a little.

Sith Lord: (hypnotically) You are a hamster... A very very horny hamster... And you seek warmth.

Apprentice: Haaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaw. Look at her go!

Sith Lord: This far into the shift it is sooooooo easy.

Apprentice: Wait! Wait! I'll do him. (hypnotically) Your cock is a sith... dress your lord in a power robe... give him the test of worthiness... with your toaster... cam2cam spiral distortion enabled.

Sith Lord: hmmmmmmmm. You realize that a sith must be creatively evil...

Apprentice: Yeah but he is also a master of surprise.

Sith Lord: So he hides his awesomeness by being really lame sometimes?

Apprentice: Ahhhhh paduan someday you will be the master. heee heeee heeeee

Sith Lord: Crank the Devo!

Apprentice: (weakly) Yeah...

Sith Lord: Cheetoes?

Apprentice: Ahhhhhhhhh gooooood gooooooooood. mpppppphhhhhh crunch crunch mppppphfffff crunch crunch crunch.

Sith Lord: Luuuuuke Luuuuuuuuke you've got the jaundice bad!

Apprentice: With the pop rocks mixed in a busy jedi you will be.

Sith Lord: Ahhhhhhh good she is done.

Apprentice: Yeaaaaaah now it's our turn with her.... bwaaaaaaaa ha ha ha.

Sith Lord: You are getting the keyboard really greasy.

Apprentice: Card not recognized. Card not recognized!!! Do you know who we are!!!

Sith Lord: I'll do the remote choking trick on an admin. (concentrates)

Apprentice: That did it. Practice makes perfect.

Sith Lord: Pushing the button. 5 4 3 2 1...

****** Tune in next week for... the sith private ****************

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/26/11 @ 10:37am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Sith Lord: So my apprentice... did you succeed?

Apprentice: Yeeeeeeees master. All da baby harp seals are swimming wi' dere ancestors. They will not fuck wit' your plans no more.

Sith Lord: (deeply, loudly, dramatically) THEN RISE... DARTH... HOBOKEN!!!

Apprentice: What? You kiddin' me? Hoboken? HOBOKEN you fuck!!! (brrrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzz)

Sith Lord: Easy... Easy... I am just messing with you. hee hee hee hee Feel your anger... Let it rise... Smell... your destiny.

Apprentice: Oh you ever loving hump. I am gonna k1ll youse. (BRZAPPPPP CRAAAAACKKKK)

Sith Lord: (zzzzzzzzt kryyyy kryyyyy zzzzzzzt) Goooooood. Goooooood. Use the stench! More and more you are becoming.... MINE.

Apprentice: In your dreams you fuck wit. (krzzzzzt grrrrrzzzzzzp)

Sith Lord: I love you when you are like this. These times are so special. (vooooom voooom bzzzt)

Apprentice: You think I'm funny? Do I amuse you? Oh you piece of crap I am gonna carve you another. (crzzzzzt zzz zzz zzz screeeeeeeeeee)

Sith Lord: ENOUGH. KNEEL AND GET YOUR TRUE NAME!

Apprentice: (falling to his knees) Yessssss master.

Sith Lord: RISE... DARTH... TWO TIMES

Apprentice: What the fuck??? What the fuck bb??? Oh my god, my god bb. What the fuck have you done to me, to me bb.

Sith Lord: SILENCE MAGGOT. TAKE YOUR PLACE BY MY SIDE.

Apprentice: Yes, yes master bb. I will obey, obey dem all, your commands, commands bb.

... And so it was that a new scourge rose to battle all that is good and true.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/27/11 @ 12:03am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Flagg: I don't know about this younger generation.

Emperor: Yeah I know. No real standouts, are there?

Flagg: Pussies. We have Hannibal. Freddie. Fuck even that little doll, uhhhh Checkers?

Emperor: No thats Nixon's dog. Chuckie.

Flagg: You of course.

Emperor: Awwwwwwww thanks and you were no slouch. Lots of really memorable moments.

Flagg: Seen Sauron lately?

Emperor: Naaaawwwwww. McCarthy got him during that pink eye epedemic.

Flagg: Don't forget Maleficent.

Emperor: mmmmmmmmm yummm who could?

Flagg: Yeah, technology and gore are the downfall of today's crop. Not enough emphasis on the psychological. No building upon the past.

Emperor: Yeah... It ain't quite right if you don't have part of the chill coming from some half remembered horror that happened to your ancestors.

Flagg: That's right. There's life in the old stones yet. The machines still groan out their due in the offspring.

Emperor: We are not temporary things that happen in out of the way places to strangers. We are the inevitable dole that is meted out to all of humanity... irregularly spread maybe but continually repeating. We are ancient. We morph and grow. Each time we become more refined and are more difficult to overcome.

Flagg: Hmmmm and there is that part that you sense but never see. You know there is a universe below our skins. But your mind does not ever want to grapple with it. You know it probably spells your doom. You and your helpless kin. When the moment is right.

Emperor: Don't forget the appeal to the wandering evil. Part of our charm is our ability to spontaneously add to our family. We have a knack for seeing the potential of people

Flagg: It's sooooooo true. We take those who have no hope in the hard world of the just.

Emperor: Ahhhhhhh let's stay in today and meet some old friends...

Flagg: Good plan. It is time to touch our roots...

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Created by: Sara Lynn

9/29/11 @ 1:44pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Safe In Your Arms - Beth Orton

Home is where the heartbreak
Wraps cold around my bones
Forgives me if I promise
To forget what I have known
Ignores and never mentions
I just came waltzing in
With stones tied together
With broken bits of string

Time moves so sure
Runs rings around the trees
Its silence mocking
In the wind against the leaves
For all your loss and gain
The soul defines the suffering
An illusion is hope born from fear
And now you're right back here
Safe in my arms my dear

All is as I left it
Never more so what it seems
My bed is as I made it
Just not what went between
And I still feel alive
In what is no longer there
The shadows slide behind
Drawing clouds across the air

Time moves so sure
Runs rings around the trees
Its silence whispers
In the wind against the leaves
For all your loss and gain
The soul defines the suffering
An illusion is hope born from fear
But now I'm right back here
Safe in your arms my dear

l love Beth O
was gonna try and find the Ytube thingy.. meh!
xox
SL

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Created by: ophelias_rue

9/29/11 @ 4:33pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: floating just beneath the surfaces
Posts: 5,122

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for me almost all of it is about words and those are lovely thanx.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/1/11 @ 8:26pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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It is very late...

Darkness...

A shadowy figure can just be made out. Snoring like mad. A restless sleep. Alone in his chambers. Atop his bed.

Suddenly two baby-blue eyes wink on under the bed. Reflecting stray light in a very focused way. They move slowly from below to above. A very small shadow and the shadow of a knife.

Suddenly:

Sith Lord: Whaazzzzzat?!? (brzzzzzzzzzt skisshhhhhh skishhhhhhhhh)

Chuckie: Die! Die! Die! (slashing)

But the light saber is faster than the kitchen knife. A doll head goes flying through the room.

Sith Lord: I've got to get an apprentice that knows how to use a light saber. (goes back to sleep)

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/1/11 @ 10:13pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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He had noticed it for some time...

Apprentice: Coffee m'lud?

Sith Lord: hmmmm yes.

Apprentice: Newspaper?

Sith Lord: You serve me well apprentice.

Apprentice: (flat toned) It pleases me to please you.

Sith Lord: (with raised eyebrow) Really?

Apprentice: Once my chores are done we can spar a little before you go into work.

Sith Lord: (putting down newspaper and staring) Sparring and no trying to get out of your chores?

Apprentice: Yes master.

His apprentice started to busy himself with his chores. The sith slunk around behind him. With a quick movement he grabbed him from behind, held him fast while raiseing the hair on nape of neck. Yes it was there. The thing he feared:

STEPFORD SITH # 183742188 STEPFORD - It ain't a sith if it ain't a STEPFORD sith.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/2/11 @ 5:20pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Sith Lord 1: How 'you doin'?

Sith Lord 2: Won't complain.

Sith Lord 1: Hoppin' night ain't it?

Sith Lord 2: Yeah everyone is having a great time.

Sith Lord 1: Have an apprentice?

Sith Lord 2: Looking. You?

Sith Lord 1: Got one. Wanna see. (pulls out wallet photos)

Sith Lord 2: Wow! He's a big one! Has he killed any Jedi yet?

Sith Lord 1: (proudly) Oh sure. 7 at least. He's a natural.

Sith Lord 2: (elbowing him) Bet you're not sleeping so easily anymore. ha ha ha.

Sith Lord 1: No. heee heee heeee. It was bad for my complexion anyway.

Sith Lord 2: Sooooooooo. Is this a good place for looking?

Sith Lord 1: Actually no. And this is the off season. They're all in school now.

Sith Lord 2: Damn! I need one so bad... right now!

Sith Lord 1: You'll have to travel then. At least two systems over.

Sith Peasant: Hey Lords!

Sith Lords: (together) Hey peasant!

Sith Lord 1: Wow long time since I've seen a peasant.

Sith Lord 2: I know, I know. Upward mobility in the Empire is just unmatched.

Sith Lord 1: I remember when they were tied to the land.

Sith Lord 2: Yeah... Now they come and go without so much as a "by your leave"

Sith Lord 1: There's some things over there I have to talk to. Have a great night!!

Sith Lord 2: Yeees! May you wander further into the Dark Side!

Quote

Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/2/11 @ 8:32pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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It is a dark moonless night...

A shadowy figure snores in deep sleep atop his bed...

Suddenly his sleep lightens but becomes more... restless...

"Shirley... don't make me do it... I don't want to do it.... Leave me be. Go.. Mercy... Mercy!"

The very next day... we find our poor Sith Lord out of control in front of his colleagues:

"It's the gooooooood sith, looooolliiiiipop"

"Where the fun times neeeever stop."

I can't bear to write down the rest of the bit. It is too horrific.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/4/11 @ 12:40am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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strum strum strum struuuuuum strummiestrum strummie strum... strum struuuuum

A lan tyme agoo wheen eendor was graheen...

There wair beelyons of planets wath mair goovernments than yoove evair seen.

They�d run around free before the star destroyer was born

An the lovliest of all was Alderorn

Oh there were giant red gasees and some with cool rings

There were some with nonrootating equators and bathed in nebular sheens

There were some with eccentric orbits

But as sure as your born

The lovliest of all was Alderorn.

Now the Emperor seen soom dissenting... and it gave him a pain�

He said �Stahnd back, I�m gonna make it rain.�

�Heeeeey brother Vadar, I�ll tell you what to do: beld me an orbiting hoodoo.�

Now take some of them green furry Argillians and Hothian Iceybeasts

Some giant swamp mosquitos and some Foozy Bo Geeps.

No need for cats or rats or elephants and certainly no need for ewoks

And don't you forget to paint it black.

The Emperor started thinking�

His mind drifted with the tide�

He wanted to make a statement �

Rather grandiose and evil and mostly on the foul side.

He picked through the worlds, one by one...

And he called out as they went by:

I'm gonna boil off your atmospheres

And evaporate your lakes...

Your mountains I'm gonna use in my giant milk shakes.

Forget your flora and fauna...

It's all headed for a rapid demise...

But I suppose I'll also take those neighbors you despise.

The destroyer started growling...

Filled with power from its grid...

It looked like the end of all civilization...

And no hope from some El Cid.

But as the targeting instruments locked on that rarest of orbs...

You could hear the Force groaning...

As if it knew what was to come.

All across creation a bond was formed...

But it vanished as the cold switch was lowred

And red fire gulped up what billions of years had formed.

Oh the Empire was eventually defeated...

Thankfully enough it's true...

But Evil always seems to take its pound...

Before the final round.

Sooo when the dark man triumphs...

Mind it is probably just his pay...

His destruction is coming faster than the summer lengthens day.

Quote

Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/8/11 @ 12:31pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Jedi Kuyashi: It doesn't add up! Tell me the truth! Now! Or I will call in every favor I have with every bounty hunter and storm trooper in this system and every other one within a million light years. Your life won't be worth a strap on Jabba's bikini even with your precious immunity.

Jar Jar: Mesah told you everyting. Everyting!

Jedi Kuyashi: Who is Darth Irritatingus?

Jar Jar: Shit!

Jedi Kuyashi: That's right! I know he was there. Spill it Binks! Now!

Jar Jar: Me usetah dance with the water blobs on...

Jedi Kuyashi: We have been over that! Stop stalling! Tell me what happened on the bridge of that star destroyer.

Jar Jar: De Emperor was trapped. We k1lled all his guards.

Jedi Kuyashi: Yes... Go on...

Jar Jar: Vadar k1lled the Emperor. We was so happy.

Jedi Kuyashi: And Luke. Where was Luke?

Jar Jar: He wasah fainted Jedi Kuyashi. The Emperor was gonna k1ll him.

Jedi Kuyashi: And then?

Jar Jar: Darth Irritatingus came from nowhere. He k1lled (sobbing) everyone.

Jedi Kuyashi: Even Luke?

Jar Jar: He k1lled Luke first.

Jedi Kuyashi: Bullshit! Luke is Darth Irritatingus.

Jar Jar: No! No Jedi Kuyashi. Luke was always good. Gooooood.

Jedi Kuyashi: How do you know? Did you see him. Did you really see him die?

Jar Jar: His head... it came off.

Jedi Kuyashi: No way! A jedi mind trick. He used you Jar Jar. Because you are weak. Because you are stupid.

Jar Jar: He wasah my friend! (crying) You fucking Jedi! Me gosah now! You can't protect me from the sith.

Jedi Kuyashi: All right, suit yourself.

The jedi sat back mulling over the case and sipping coffee while his eyes scanned the bulletin board and the TV screens on the walls of the interrogation center. What a sty. They really should clean this room up.

"Then there was this smuggler, who was fat. I mean orca fat." The jedi's eyes passed over a poster advertising the grand opening of a new club by Jabba the Hut down in the seedier side of the city.

"The lawyer's name was Hitachi" The jedi's eyes blinked as they passed over the TV set again.

His coffee cup fell to the ground. It shattered. The shocked Jedi could see "Made in China" stamped on the bottom.

"Where did Jar Jar go?" the now frantic Jedi screamed at the paduans lounging around in the lobby of the building. But they didn't know. He had vanished into the streets of the busy city.

The greatest trick the sith ever pulled was making you think he didn't exist.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/9/11 @ 6:38pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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The Sound... of Sithage (attribution too obvious to be bowed to)

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of... sithage.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow passageways of home
'Neath the halo of a power amp (dooooooo dooooo doooo doo with falling pitch)
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a light saber's light
That split the night
And touched the sound of sithage.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand reasons, maybe more
Troopers talking without thinking
Apprentices hearing without me speaking
Rebels marching to songs that Imperial voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound... of sithage.

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Sithage like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my orders that I might not leach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of ... sithage.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the ruthless god the Force had made
And the spirits flashed out their warnings
In the visions that they were forming
And the spirits said, "The words of the Jedi are heard in meeting halls
And scrawled upon tenement walls"
And whispered when near the sounds of sithage...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

10/9/11 @ 10:47pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Goooooooood..... Goooooooooooood....

The thread temperature is now only 2 microdegrees.

It is wreathed in murkiest darkness... ssssssssssssss...

No fools dare venture heeeeeyare.

Only the creaaatures of the night! bwaaaa ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa.

How I love their.... singing

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Created by: rheza111

10/9/11 @ 10:55pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: just to the left of center
Posts: 2,431

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before dudley completely takes over this thread i thought i say something...something....something poetic....when the moon hits your eye it's like a big pizza pie lol

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Created by: ophelias_rue

10/9/11 @ 10:58pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: floating just beneath the surfaces
Posts: 5,122

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to cheer you up Dudley

Butterflies

So few butterflies this year. The acres here are decorated with a huge number of established plants, bedded, and cared for by me now; some which I myself put in this past spring when soils were soft and loamy, plants selected to please both eye and butterfly. Yet so few this year, to flutter and land and pirouette in the sun.

We've large numbers of predatory birds, swallows that swoop and grab their prey mid flutter and in flight. Bright red male Cardinals, sleek and terrifying with their masks and scarlet feathers, dancing across the mown and unmown slopes, grabbing up the caterpillars that would become, butterflies. Have they thinned the populations so much this year? Or is it the landowners surrounding this place, poisoning all in pursuit of a sanitary and well kept scape?

In time will they return, the bright yellow and black velvet winged ones that get so large, and were thick in the air? The monarchs, royalty in flight? The soft black and shining silk blue ones that I dream of tattoos of? The wealth of moths soft and furry and brown white with pink speckles? The air should be filled with them, I want so much to do as my lover did, to stand in them, as if in a cloud of faeries, and have them land on my hair and hands and face.

I miss them, my butterflies and my loved one.

Amanda

__________ . __________

� Amanda 2011

Natalie Imbruglia - Butterflies

Hope Sandoval - Butterfly Morning
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfnNqQF2H9M

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Created by: lickau

10/9/11 @ 11:08pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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The Tombstoner[s]

Today no longer lives another thread . . .
Time after time a topic becomes dead .

If the words said in heat ,
The Admin has to delete

Why oh why do they try to use hurtful words . . .
Somethings told stink worse than 1 week old turds :helpme

Not copyrighted + original . Time for more rootberr + cOOkies :drinkup

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Created by: ophelias_rue

10/9/11 @ 11:19pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: floating just beneath the surfaces
Posts: 5,122

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The Tombstoner[s]

Not copyrighted + original . Time for more rootberr + cOOkies :drinkup

LOL Lick.. what i want to know is.. did you take the OVER 7am bet or the BEFORE 7am bet?

*joins you in the cookies but sticks with hot tea in a Russian glass*

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Created by: lickau

10/9/11 @ 11:29pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285

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LOL Lick.. what i want to know is.. did you take the OVER 7am bet or the BEFORE 7am bet?

*joins you in the cookies but sticks with hot tea in a Russian glass*

Under = before . I guess no Bete.Banned T-shirt for me yet .
I wait for next auction :drinkup

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Created by: slvlasl-l

10/9/11 @ 11:39pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Posts: 790

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Not copyrighted + original . Time for more rootberr + cOOkies :drinkup

ha, you have to know the right things to say
to make a thread go away

insulting one another will not do
nor will attacks on no dot oop underscore rue

what was said few had seen
before the slate was wiped clean

now its gone forever more
and the forums are once again a bore

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