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Female Performer Chat: the blessing thread

Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/3/11 @ 12:47am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Villain: Heeeeeeeeeellllllllloooooooooo!!!!

Narrator: You!!! What are you doing here!?!

Villain: Helluva intro doc... But I really don't think ya did me juuuuustice.

Narrator: I didn't mean anything by it... It's my job for Pete's sake.

Villain: (mocking) It's my job. It's my job. (to his henchies) Grab him boys.

Villain: My... "twitch" seems to be taking 5 right now... friend. I find that when I'm...
entertaining... that it seems to go. Sign of a well luuuuuuuuubricated mind, eh?

Narrator: (gagged) mmmmphhhh mmmmmphhhhhh

Villain: (singing) Sooooooooooome caaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll meeeeeeeee MooooooooooooooooREEEEEEECE!!! (finger in corners of mouth) phweeeeeeeeeeeee phwooooooooooo

Villain: (to the reader) Oh.. I am sooooooo sorry. Not very statesmanery of me eh? How WILL you ever respect me if I carry on so.

Oh that's right. If you don't I will have your head. And your fingers. And your toes. And your pinkies.

Now let's take a good look at that noggin of yours. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Very well developed pleasure zones. A great image processor. But nothing for my... collection. I'm not surprised. Sensibility is such a rare thing in these times.

Don't worry Citizen. I will be your sensibility. Your father. Your protector. As another once said: I am so easy... I don't make you stand... I only require that you kneel...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/3/11 @ 1:48pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Villain: A blessing thread?!? A blessing thread?!? What the fuck is a blessing thread?!? pfffaaaaa haaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Villain: (in falsetto) ooooooh I am so grateful for all the world provides me.

Villain: Fools! The state provides everything. Your peace. Your food. Your philosophy.
But man is such a worthless creature that he cannot ever see it. He must be compelled to be decent. He must be tied to a leash and whipped to be grateful to those that truly deserve it.

Villain: oooooooooo and love. Let me tell you about my first ... "love." We were both high on hormones and as randy as dogs in heat. The difference was I was compelled, she wasn't, to stop. Oh it hurt to stop. It fucked me up for a while reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaal goood. But it made me what I am today. Steel. Will.

Now I see her for what she was and still is. A weak, vacillating thing driven by her needs. The idea of kissing or stroking THAT now provokes nothing but revulsion.

You can grovel around in the dirt. You can dance around moldy toes. Or you can acquire character and one day maybe... sensibility.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/3/11 @ 4:43pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Nedemeyer: Duuuuuuuuude. Check it out. If you rearrange the letters in private you get a pirate with a vagina. Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwweeeeeesoooooooooooooome.

Villain: Fucking degenerate. Off with his appendages!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/3/11 @ 5:11pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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(blam blam BLAM)

...

...

(rattatatta tat rattatatta tat)

....

(click... whiffle whiffle whiffle... .... ... KAAAAAAABLLLLLLLAAAAAAAMMMMMMMOOOOOOO)

Villain: Aiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhargghhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhffffffffyi! (dies)

Narrator: Got 'im!

Ride: (running in) You didn't!

Narrator: Heeeeeeeeeeeee's gone!

Ride: (waving papers) You see this? This is called a script. About a hundred people worked night and day for three weeks. Three bleeding weeks!

Narrator: Too bad! He really pssed me off.

Ride: He pssed you off? HE PSSED YOU OFF?!? He's the ever loving VILLAIN you maniac! He... is... supposed to... pss you off! It's his job. His vocation. His purpose in fucking life. HE IS...

Narrator: ... was...

Ride: oh you... (threatening gesture) Cut. CUT. Shut down the stage. Everybody... please go to the financial window. Show's over. Nothing more to see here. Thanks. Yes. Keep moving.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/4/11 @ 1:15pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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From the most popular advertisement for the sequel:

The Spawn of the Sensible

They got the villain. At least the narrator did. But they didn't get the bits of brain that he gathered. Now they've congealed into a whole. A very pssed off whole. That is coming for you!

A whole new cast! A bigger budget! Romance! Adventure! Really great times!

The New York Times said: Epic. Truly monumental work.

The Denver Post said: You really identify with the plight of the blob. It is heartbreaking.

The Ldzoz Load said: The cast was to die for. Shatner gave us his best performance yet.

Don't hang around with your degenerate friends. Don't read those self help books. Don't camp out in front of that television. Go see The Spawn of the Sensible today!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/4/11 @ 2:09pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Blob: Good... good my child... continue.

Margaret: Ohhh you are suuuuuuuuch a good listener.

Dorothy: Isn't he? *sigh*

Margaret: So I said: "Mr. Frankel, I can't help being sleepy in the morning. I am pulling two jobs so that I can realize my dream."

Blob: And what is your dream my dear?

Margaret: I want to be... an actuary, Blob.

Blob: Please... call me Wendell.

Margaret: Sure Wendell. (smiling) It suits you.

Wendell: Thank you honey. Now you Dorothy. Tell me the rest.

Dorothy: Oh it has been horrible. Just horrible Wendell. *sniff* Ever since I moved to the new department... I can't seem to get anything right and people just yell at me all day.

Wendell: I see. Back to you Margaret. Why an actuary?

Margaret: Because it is fun to say! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhkt yoooooo hairy.

Blob: Oh for the love of.... I can't stand it anymore. (eats Margaret)

Dorothy: Hey!

Blob: Maybe you should go back to your old department?

Dorothy: (nervously) Why?

Blob: Because you were half competent there you bitty! (eats her)

Blob: bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha. Balanced! Balanced I say!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/4/11 @ 3:52pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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ChickenHeart: Wendell! Is it really you?

Wendell: Yes! Yes! Oh it is so good to see you again.

ChickenHeart: The last time I saw you, you were only a few grams.

Wendell: Well you know what they say... A little bit of volume does wonders.

ChickenHeart: Miss me much?

Wendell: Oh 'Heart. *sob* You don't know how it's been...

ChickenHeart: I can imagine. This world can be so cruel...

Wendell: Yes *whimper* Sooooooo awful.

ChickenHeart: Well I bet that I can cheer you up. You know that oil spill down in the Gulf that was just starting up?

Wendell: *sniff* yes?

ChickenHeart: Well it's been gushing this whole time. It became sentient at 5:13 am last Tuesday.

Wendell: heh heh That's great! Faaaarrrrrr out! Oh but 'Heart? Why do we always get when things go sentient down to the minute?

ChickenHeart: Traditiooooooooooooon!!! Tradition! Traaaaaaaaaaditiooooooooooooon! Tradition!

How do we know when the blob has grown? The tube is flown? The dish is blown?

How do we know when the room is foamed? The halls are roamed? The city is owned?

Tradition! Traaaaaaaaaaditiooooooooon!!! Tradition!

Wendell: ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/10/11 @ 4:05pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Bill: To defeat a blob is not easy...

Kiddo: I have trained all my life for it.

Bill: So has he. His master was Oozy Hadgyro.

Kiddo: No way!

Bill: Way plus infinity Kiddo. And it gets worse...

Kiddo: Tell me.

Bill: He has a new sword. A special one.

Kiddo: Not...

Bill: Yes... A Cominatme Matsoakilimemold.

Kiddo: Whooooooooaaaaaa!

Bill: Yeah Kiddo. Still want to... juice the ooze?

Kiddo: Yes sensi Bill. The greater the foe, the more glorious the victory!

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Created by: Lenore Nevermore & Roger Johns

9/10/11 @ 5:23pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

Hunter S. Thompson :smoking

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/10/11 @ 10:30pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Wendell: So you've heard?

ChickenHeart: Yes. A contract has been opened on you. The most deadly of them all is coming after you.

Wendell: You also know that my old master has passed on. Will you train me?

ChickenHeart: You know I will. It won't take much. You are very nearly ready.

Wendell: You are the best friend a blob ever had 'Heart.

ChickenHeart: Awwwww thank you. I know you'd do the same for me.

Wendell: My enemy is tough but not the most sensible.

ChickenHeart: Yes... but don't get too cocky. Her master is sensi Bill.

Wendell: I am glad he is the teacher and not the warrior.

ChickenHeart: Yes... I doubt he has been able to pass any sensibility on. It is difficult to.

Wendell: Once the discipline is taught it is up to the student.

ChickenHeart: Right... Now begin the training! Show me Caustic Waterfall!

Wendell: Hai!

(wooosh woosh rumble rumble rumble ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss gurgle gurgle)

ChickenHeart: Good. Use your knees! Show me Fountain of Death!

Wendell: Hai!

(pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whrrrrr whrrrrrr pop zzzzzzzzzzzzit waka waka waka)

ChickenHeart: Yeah! Alright! Now the Psychic Tsunami!

Wendell: Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!!

( silence )

ChickenHeart: oooooooooooo deadly. Will have to buy some new spoons and candles now.

ChickenHeart: But now I have a special treat... You'll never guess who I've got to help you.

Wendell: Who? BungHo Le? Kansuke?

ChickenHeart: No! Better than anyone you could imagine! The... white... comanche!!!!

Wendell: Notah!!!! C'mere you crazy man.

Notah: No time for hugs. We must train. First... you know what you must do!

Wendell: Yes! I must... drink... the... peyote. The drug of the devil. And dream my dreams of hate.

ChickenHeart: Yes! Our enemy has become familiar with many of our styles. Now we will learn some new styles from Notah!

(glug glug glug)

Wendell: gazisltfh sklaseifhtg seighxtfhth!!!! Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyii!!!!!

( KABLAMABLAMHEAPABIGABLAMABLAMADINGDONG )

ChickenHeart: Soooooooo sensi Bill... we will see... if you are ready for... the Sensible Blob Comanche!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/11/11 @ 8:16pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Many battles are foolish, mindless struggles between creatures that have not thought things through deeply enough. They have not taken the time to generalize. They can see the problems with their opponent's thinking but not their own.

If their opponent is too hasty to commit his troops, many will be no less hasty to commit their own. If their opponent suffers needless losses because of a stubborn refusal to retreat before superior numbers, many will repeat the lossy approach of their foe in the very next battle.

What can we say about the battle between our contracted assassin and the blob Wendell? Is it of this character? Or will we be witnesses to a logically sound struggle between matched adversaries?

The blob fights for his very life. It is only a question of whether he should flee instead.

The assassin fights for a combination of monetary reward and glory. It is a question of whether the reward is worth the risk.

Sensibility must be considered. Of all the virtues it is the least mentioned in historical accounts. The good sensibility vs the evil sensibility. In all its meanings it confers advantages considerable upon its possessor. Is it worth more than the high ground? Is it more valuable than the initiative? That is a problem every military historian worth his salt must consider when analyzing any struggle. All factors must be weighed.

To the greater workings of the cosmos does one blob and woman's struggle amount to anything of significance? Will History finally sit up and take notice of this affair? Will Good or Evil be watching and rooting hard for one or the other?

Each must judge according to his philosophy.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/11/11 @ 10:54pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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(strum strummie strum strummie strum strum strum...)

(strum strummie strum strummie strum strum strum...)

Assassin: Bloooooooob Weeeeeendaaaaaall?

Wendell: Hai!

Assassin: You are a no good murdering son of a bitch and now you are going to meet your maker!

Wendell: I am going to meet Maurice? Not likely bitch. I've metabolized bigger things than you for breakfast.

Assassin: You are about to metabolize a Hadcurry Himomma sword... twice!

Wendell: I can feel, I can sense, that you are scared... you have come here too early. Before you have finished your training.

Assassin: Hmmmmmm and you are doing something different than I expected... What is that headband doing on you? Is that an eagle feather?

Wendell: (sipping out of a bowl) skfekwoueirajklll weihalweifgh!!! hiyiyyiiyiyiyiyiiii!!!

(SLASH! RIP! GUSH! FOOP!)

Assassin: Ah I might have known. Not Poohawk... no it can only be... comanche! You have killed and stolen and denuded too many. You are neither blob nor comanche. Just some weird half breed combination that neither kind really wants.

Wendell: oooooooooooooo that's so hurtful! I'm gonna wrap your nerves around your spine and twist until your head pops off!

Assassin: Yeah? Let's see if you can do that in two pieces.

(SLASH)

Wendell 1: Nice sever fiend! But I can take it.

Wendell 2: Damn, this side doesn't have genitallia.

(SLASH)

Wendell 4: Quartered I may be... but not drawn!

( DRAW)

really long thin Wendell 3: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhouch!!!

Assassin: And now the quadruple toe flail of death.

( QUADRUPLE TOE FLAIL OF DEATH)

all the Wendells: Ya got me... Goodbye cruel world. Remember how I was... not this gulash.

Assassin: (waving toes in air) So you thought my sword was sharp... know... these are just as deadly!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/12/11 @ 6:08pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Ride: Well... there you have it boys and girls. Hope you enjoyed the show.

Remember... if you need to deal with a blob or a mad genius, call your local office of the RCMP instead of hiring a contract assassin. You know we're the good guys. Your problem will be solved not made more complicated.

And don't be like Maurice. There are many ways to become more sensible without stealing people's brains. You can go to your public library, talk to your parents, pay attention in school, or just reserve some quiet thinking time in your busy life.

My blessings on you all this fall season and: Stay Sensible!

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Created by: kertus

9/13/11 @ 2:55am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: The Planet Piiiing
Posts: 880

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Dudley can i ask a question??.....

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

9/13/11 @ 3:50am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,294

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Dudley can i ask a question??.....

Whoooooaaaaaa post #666... better watch out for this one! Yeeeeeeeeeesssss?

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