Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 2009 Suggsies Awards Show, brought to you by Tang. Tang - yeah, we still make this crap. Also brought to you by Attends. Because sometimes to you're to busy to use the toilet. Attends - We've Got Your Shit Covered (TM). We're coming to you live from the Shady Elms Pensioner's Community Center here in picturesque Scranton, Pennsylvania, where the crowds have just been waiting on line for hours and hours to get into this exclusive event -
[peeks outside]
::crickets::
.. Anyway, my name is Amicu, I'll be hosting the Awards ceremony this evening. For those of you viewing at home the way these shows usually work is that -
"I'm hungry. It's 4:30. When the fuck are we getting Jell-O?"
"Mr. Leibowicz, not now, the award show is about to start!"
"Mehh, fine... but I'm not staying if there's no snacks"
Sorry everyone, let's get started then, shall we? Our first award goes for best shawl that took all year to crochet goes to... Mrs. O'Donegal! A big hand for Mrs. O'Donegal everybody!
"She's dead."
.... She's... dead? Oh... well.... ehhh... umm... here to accept the award in Mrs. O'Donegal's behalf is Mr. Leibowicz!
"Award? Can I eat it?"
No Mr. Leibowicz, it's a major award
"Then fuck you and your awards. Nurse! Jell-O! Now!"
[blank stares from the nursing home crowd]
Ok, so in the category of best shuffleboard game, the Suggsie goes to... Mr. Michailides!
"Did you say MacGuyver is coming on? He's such a good boy, that MacGuyver."
[Suggs pulls Ami over...]
"Wtf?? (in real life Suggs always says the letters W, T, and F to show his displeasure...) This is supposed to be my awards ceremony, what's with all the nobody-awards???"
Relax, we could only book this gig if we made it a socially-inclusive event for the crowd, don't worry, I've got this!
... All right everybody, we're going to take a quick commercial break before we come back with the big award tonight in honor of our man of the hour, Mr. Suggs himself!
[turns the tv on to Channel 4]
::Wheeeeel... Offff... Fortune!!!! I'm your host Pat Sajak and this is Vanna White..::
[15 minutes later, while the room of senior citizens enjoys their Jell-O cups]
"Buy an E! Buy an E!"
"I hope they get dining room set prize.."
"I really like it when they cut up the pears in the Jell-O. Not so much the pineapples but I like it when they have the cut up pears."
....
[Wheel of Fortune ends]
All right, and we're back for the moment you've all been waiting for!
"Is it nap time now?"
No, it's the time when we give Suggs his Porcelain Dildo for his 2000th post!
"Did you say Pork and lentils? We had that last night."
No, porcelain dildo. It's the award. For 2000th post.
"Oh."
"Do I get one two?"
No, it's only for Suggs, for posting so much.
[Suggs anxiously waits to leap from his front row seat to claim his award]
"What's a Porch-in-a-window?"
PORCELAIN DILDO. Anyway, the Institute for the Cure to Athlete's Foot is proud to sponsor this year's Suggsie, and here to present the award is our very own "Teddy" G-Mann and LickaU. A big hand for Teddy and LickaU everyone!
Teddy: "I didn't get an award for my 2000th post, or my 3000th or 4000th, but... psshhh, you know, whatever."
LickaU: "We're here to award Suggs for the seemingly impossible feat of reaching his 2000th post on an Adult Webcam Site forum, even if Teddy and have almost 10 000 posts between the two of us, and Amicu didn't even bake us a cake..."
Teddy: "I am so done with writing you love sonnets, Ami."
LickaU: "Yeah, so anyway, Suggs. 2000th. Woo-friggin-hoo. [looking over the porcelain dildo] You owe me Ami, you owe me"
[tosses the porcelain dildo at Suggs, but it lands on Mrs. Ruttelmeier's lap instead]
"Oooh, I win the hair curler?"
[begins to curl her hair around the sex toy award]
"Eunice, that's a dildo"
"A what?"
"A dildo"
"Ehh?"
"The devil's wand, for improper and unmentionable acts, it's just not 'Christian'.."
"Oh, you mean like that music my grandchildren all listen to?"
[Eunice puts the dildo to her mouth like a microphone and starts singing]
"Bizz-itches be on my jock from show-to-show, act like ya didn't know, holla at ya' boy Jay-Z..."
[Eunice grabs her crotch, the seniors all wave their arms to and fro...]
...
And that concludes this year's Suggsies. Stay tuned next time when we honor LickaU and G-Mann's 5000th tandem-post. There may even be balloon animals and a special guest appearance as the presenters award them with the complimentary 5000th post lifesize girlfriend Jell-O mould and the much-heralded paper-mache penis-pinata. Fun for the whole family. Be sure to Tivo it.
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