Scene: The palatial DoRide estate. Crawling with camera crews. A frazzled Mike Wallace, fresh from the latest crisis in the Far East, leads us in.
Wallace: “ Ladies and gentlemen, there has been unprecedented news from this quiet estate in the last 18 hours. Dudley Do Ride has returned from parts ethereal. With news not only of his mystic experiences but with an unheard of announcement. Yes this prototype bachelor has said that he will reveal the name of his true love to the world. Out of sympathy for our thirst for romance and fascination with all manner of celebrity.”
The camera fills with the image of a sunny poolside in the estate. A large screen shows a famous scene in the life of Steve Martin. The “first intimate interview” with the comedian. Steve is dressed in his trademark white tuxedo. He is seated at table next to a pool. He is joined by a dog, a black lab.
“Mr. Ride has chosen to show us this image because as you all know he never reveals his true face to anyone. He has chosen Mr. Martin because a study performed using supercomputers at the Snelling Institute showed that the average of all female mental images of Dudley was very nearly that of Steve Martin. Similarly, Mr Ride will be disguising his voice to that of Peter Lorre for the same reason.”
“Let’s get started. How are you today Mr. Ride?”
Ride: Thank you Mike. Very well indeed. I appreciate the chance to get a little time with you. I know how incredibly busy you are these days.
Wallace: The first question everybody wants the answer to is: how in the world did you escape from Shiva and what became of the Tommyknocker threat?
Ride: Sorry Mike. As you know there is a book and a movie coming out later. I have promised not to divulge any more than I already have.
Wallace: Fair enough. So let’s hear about this lady. She must be very special.
Ride: She is Mike. Just unreal. Poems and books will be written. They won’t do nearly enough to describe her.
Wallace: Wow. Give us a clue Dudley. Is she new here? An old hand? Is she blonde? Brunette?
Ride: I will do better than that Mike. I am so sick of games. I will simply tell you who she is with no further ado.
Wallace: Really? Can this really be happening?
Ride: Her name is …
Just then a shower of arrows, accompanied by war whoops, rained down on the poolside scene. It just so happened that this occurred just when Steve Martin had lapsed into his old “arrow through the head” bit. But these arrows were not the harmless stage props of Martinian guffaology. Blood was visible below the screen.
Could this be the end for our mountie
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